As we all prepare for the upcoming Halloween season, please take a few moments to read these simple reminders to keep things nice and scary.

• Don’t ever assume the telephone calls are coming from another house.

• When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if it’s really dead.

• Never read a book of demon-summoning aloud, even as a joke.

• Don’t go into the basement to check the power when the lights go out!

• If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. However, it will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared. This also applies to kids who speak with somebody else’s voice.

• When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER split up and go it alone.

• Don’t make out during Halloween season. Especially if you’ve noticed a few of your friends are missing!

• As a general rule, don’t solve puzzles that open a portal to Hell.

• Never stand in, on, or above a grave, tomb, or crypt. This would apply to any other house of the dead as well.

• If you’re searching for something which caused a loud noise and find out that it’s just the cat, don’t stand there sighing with relief, it’s never the cat, get the hell OUT!

• If appliances start operating by themselves, don’t bother to check for short circuits; JUST GET OUT!

• Do not take ANYTHING from the dead.  They will come back for it.

• If you find a town which looks deserted, there’s probably a good reason for it. Don’t stop and look around.

• Don’t fool around with recombinant DNA technology unless you’re sure you know what you’re doing.

• If you’re running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely ambling along, it’s still moving fast enough to catch up with you.

• If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, find new companions.  Immediately!

• Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (you’re in trouble if you recognize this one), the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.

• If your car runs out of gas at night on a lonely road, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help. If you think that this is strange because you could swear you had a full tank, jump off the nearest bridge instead. You are going to die anyway, and will most likely be eaten.

• Beware of strangers bearing unusual tools. For example:  chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines (?!), lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons or band saws.  They probably are up to no good and you should stay far, far away.

• If you learn that your house is built upon a cemetery, now is the time to move. This also applies to houses that had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or had occupants who performed satanic rituals in your house.

Happy Halloween!!

• crisp, cool air and clear blue skies contrasted against blazing Autumn colors on the trees
• picking a pumpkin straight from a farmer’s field
• the Harvest Moon
• purchasing bags of candy while the good stuff is available and then trying not to eat it
• decorating the front porch with a jack-o-lantern and chrysanthemums
• watching the original “Halloween” on DVD for the umpteenth time
• seeing luminaries light up the pathway across the street
• receiving an invitation to a Halloween party
• driving around town to check out everyone’s Halloween decorations and voting on the best one
• making caramel apples (and eating more of the caramels than melting them for the apples)
• helping my kids with their Halloween costumes
• answering the door and seeing toddlers dressed as bugs and fairy princesses
• helping my kids check their trick or treat bags to see what they’ve brought home – hoping they’ve got something they’ll want to share with me.

What are some of your favorite Halloween memories and traditions?

Rate this site: